I have a family member who I haven’t spoken to for 10 years, nor do I plan to, most likely ever again.

The reason is their #personality.

More specifically, in this case, personality on steroids. (Which is a bad thing, BTW).

More concretely still, their personality disorder.

I’m not a clinical psychologist, nor do I necessarily believe in the usefulness of labeling people as it suggests ‘fixedness’, but I do know that humans might (unfortunately) break ‘beyond repair’.

And because I’m not a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other, ‘officially’ anointed anything in the modern church of science (?), I know that I’m not supposed to say that they have what could be called malignant NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). 

In other words, they are, what in earlier centuries we would call ‘evil’.

So, much as I love the idea of them, with my rational mind I know that reconnecting with them would only mean pain and fear and betrayal and rage again for me. 

(And probably damage to my other relationships in the family as well, and beyond, including the one I have with myself).

So I’m staying the f away from them.

And from afar I’m free to keep loving the idea of them. 

I love the little child they must have been before they were caused a lot of pain and fear and betrayal and rage by their own parents and their environment that made them into what they are now.

But because they are (most likely) beyond repair and because I have zero chips left in this casino where I’m loving and trusting them again and again, only to be betrayed and hurt again and again, ours cannot be a ‘real’ relationship.

By ‘real’ I mean ‘lived out loud’, in real life, through real interactions, real meetings in person, real hugs and ‘live’ conversations.

It would simply be too dangerous.

So the ‘real’ him is dead to me ­–the person just happens to be still alive (a technicality, innit…).

This might all sound insanely cold, but over the years as I was distancing myself further and further away from them I realized that I’m not a child anymore and I’m responsible for my safety and boundaries. 

So avatar ‘love’ it is for ‘us’.

The good news for you is that if you aren’t a narcissist (or any other ‘member’ of the so-called Dark Tetrad i.e. a narcissist, psychopath, Machiavellian and/or a sadist), you most likely can change. 

And heal. 

And grow. 

And as a consequence have real, rich, human relationships.

For this work the #Enneagram is by far the best tool that I’ve ever known.

Are you ready to embark on a journey back to you?

— —

Hi, I’m Fatime. 

I talk about the #Enneagram, #personality and #coaching.

I help introverted entrepreneurs (edupreneurs, solopreneurs and coaches) become better at promoting their services on social media by understanding and using personality to get more clients.

Want to know more?

1) Follow me on LinkedIn!

2) Follow me on Substack!

3) Message me if you would like a free PDF overview of the 9 #personality Types!

4) Schedule a free Type and Instinct Exploration Session!